Why can't I?

Why can't I tell him that I really like him?
Why can't I tell him that he is fine just the way he is?
Why can't I tell him that he and I complement each other?
Why can't I tell him that I am willing to spend the rest of my life with him, through and through?

Why can't I tell him I want to be the person that he love most and I would love him back as much?
Why can't I tell him I don't want to settle down with anyone else except him?
Why can't I tell him I don't want to bear anyone else's children but only his?

Why can't I tell him all this when I know I really want him to know how I feel?
Why can't I?
Why can't I?
Why can't I?

Dang! I hate myself for not being able to tell him all this and it doesn't do me any good!

30 years and still going strong

It's my birthday today. I do hope I will be able to live life as fulfilling as it could be...

Dan buat sekian kalinya, dia lupa...

Cerita Korea

I got hooked with this Korean series, The Wedding. Because of that I insist on going home at 5.30pm sharp so I could arrive home at 6.30pm. As a result, I have to be in the office as early as 7.30am. That would lead to me waking up very very early in the morning to get ready. To be able to wake up early, I have to sleep early. And all this happened because I got hooked with this Korean series, The Wedding...

Ya ampunnnn, banyaknyer kije!

I had a splendid week of raya. My house was ambushed by my cousins on the first day. Penatnye toksah cakap la, sampai rasa nak muntah. My brother and sisters along with their spouse and children all beraya in Kuantan this year, so bertambah meriah la kan raya kali nih.

Tapi yang tak tahannye, after one week of cuti raya sakan, kerja kat ofis tu haaa.. setimbun! Kita ye la cuti, tapi user kat plant mana ade nak cuti. Last-last haku jugak yang kena balik lambat. Padan muka diri sendiri...

But then again, biar aje la... Bak kata my manager, kijer takkan pernah abish... btol tak?

I Remember...

I remember the first time we met. Yes, on the Internet. We chatted for hours, changing opinions; about things, about the environment, about people around us. Our virtual meeting was soon forgotten until one day you took the initiative to give me call (which I don't remember giving you my phone number). I was surprised but I was glad you called.

I remember you were always ready to hear me expressing my frustations during the FYP ordeal even though I know you haven't had a clue of what I was saying. Be it day or night, you seem to be always ready to pick up my calls.

I remember when we first decided to actually meet. You warned me that you look exactly like Shrek. I of course wittily replied that it would be perfect as I am Princess Fiona after dark. I was worried the whole week before we met. I was worried I made a mistake into agreeing to meet you. I was worried you might not turn up at all. I was worried I may not turn up. I was worried worrying. I was also anxious. I was anxious to meet you; to be able to know you in person.

I remember on that day, I waited for you at the wrong entrance. When you finally found me, I thought to myself, "Hey, he's okay, not bad at all!" You were no Shrek. Heck, you don't even have the green skin!

I remember we drove to the Twin Towers in my humble lil car. It was already Zohor and you insisted we pray first before going for lunch. Hmm... one extra mile for you. But I also thought you were just trying to impress me by being a Tok Lebai. Of course I thought wrong.

I remember our first of many lunches together. I even remembered what we ate that day. I remember how surprised you were when you found out we have the same name when you wrote our name in the gallery guest book.

I remember our meetings grew more frequent after that. There were always reasons to meet. I remember the visit to the museum and yes, I remember the night of Starlight Movies.

I remember the first time you met my parents. You were awed by Mommy's charm and Babah's charisma. Well, hey, guess what? They have the same feelings towards you as well!

All that happened two years ago and I remembered...

Wish List

This list will definitely grow...

1. Kawin sebelum apa2 terjadi to mommy and babah (but then, nak kawin ngan sape ek?)
2. Get a new car (hajatnye nak Jazz, tapi kalau dapat Satria pun dah kira bersyukur)
3. Lose some weight
4. Visit kak liza n abg mikail
5. Bandung!
6. Redecorate my room
7. Get a better paying job
8. Write more often
9. Brush up on my German (which is soooo basic and I need to do it ASAP before I forget everything!)

Guess who's being called for an interview?

ME! Obvoiusly... hehe. I got back from KL yesterday and I saw a letter addressed to me on my desk. On the envelope was written in big capital letters "URUSAN KERAJAAN" and "PANGGILAN TEMUDUGA". I was like, "interview ape lak neh?". Rupa-rupanya it was a post that I applied a couple years ago. Punya la lama sampai dah tak ingat dah.

I am both right now happy as well as nervous. Happy because I am finally being called after two years of waiting. Nervous because it has been like years since I left college and I can't really remember what I learnt anymore (tu la penangan belajo lain, tapi kerja pi buat yang lain, padan muka aku). On top of that, I am being called for an interview for a post at The National Space Agency. Lagi la takut kan. More reading for me I guess! But what to read?

Friends, pray for me I get through the interview okay. I know if I get this job, I will not let go the opportunity to be a part of this agency. It's kinda kool, is it not?

Khas Untuk Adeq

Adik, this one's for you. Enjoy it.

In Loving Memory: NKOTB : 1990 - 1993.

Hehehe, remember the good ol' days? Those were the days of bad hairstyles and flotsam-jetsom pants (re: colorful/polka-dotted trousers). I remember I went goo-goo ga-ga over these boys for years. Teenagers la katakan! Hmm... those were the days...

Woo hooo! Happiness!

Alas... I have a reason to quit. What's the reason? Haaaa... RAhsieeerrr! And I am feeling very, very light right now. Rasa macam nak terbang. No more dealing with the WITCH! The only thing I can say now is WOOOHOOO.... I'M FREE!!!

Biarlah Rahsia

Keheningan Malam Membangunkan

Kepayahan Jiwa Meluahkan

Andai Kau Jujur Memahami

Tiadaku Menjauhi

Dan Kisahku Yang Masih Panjang

Menambahkan Berat Yang Memandang

Lantas Ku Pendam

Ku Putuskan

Biarlah Rahsia...

This is a part of Che' Siti's latest song and this is exactly what I am feeling right now... Biarlah rahsia...

I need a JOB!

Ya Allah! What is happening to me? I need a job, a proper job. I'm sick and tired of doing something that I don't really want to do it. I wouldn't be doing an engineering course if I wanna be a teacher.

I have to admit, nothing is easy. But I am determined to get what I really want. InsyaAllah I will not quit until I am there. I may have to face a lot of difficulties along the way, thus I need all the support that I can get.

Teddy, you are the closest to me and I need help. I really do...

Ish! Apekebendenyer?

I have a friend, or shall I say a best friend. We were born in the same year; he arrived in this world in January and I was born ten months after that. He is the first baby boy in his family while I am the youngest daughter of my family. I never like what he likes and he never likes what I like. There is nothing in common between us but somehow we stick together like magnets. (Prolly we are of different pole!)

I met him today. Hmm... happiness! (mind you, we seldom meet; busy, busy man indeed). But that is not what I wanna write about. What is in my mind right now is: WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH HIM? Apekebendernye neh? He always have girlfriends (I think bitches are more appropriate; sorry dude) who ends up hurting him and it hurts when I see him hurt. Why is it hard for him to see which one is good for him and which one is not? Sometimes I feel like knocking on his head so that he could see clearer (Hmm... maybe if I pinch him harder, which I always do, he could see clearer kot. Tee hee). Why can't he see that there are far more better girls out there, who sincerely and wholeheartedly cares about him are available but no, he still chooses those bitches who are capable of hurting him. Eiiii... geram sungguh tau!!!

Teddy, please look around you, and when I say look, you better look carefully. Your problem is my friend, you NEVER looked at the right direction. I know what you are looking for is right in front of you but you are too blind (or rather too stoopid) to see. Jangan nanti bila orang tu dah takde, baru nak sedar she's the right person for you. I don't want you to get hurt again and again. Allah gave you perfect senses, perfect brains for you to use it, please, I beg you, use it wisely. Istikharah and InsyaAllah you will get the answer. I can only listen to your problems and kutuk you a lil bit but it is God's will that will help you see clearly. Apa-apa pun, please remind me to knock on your head when I see you next time.

MasyaAllah, lamanya!

It has been a while I neglegted this blog of mine. Lama giler tak ngeblog. Tee hee. Where was I? Trying to sort out things. I have been out of my "orbit" and I am really messed up right now. My age is catching up on me and all my plans tak menjadi. WTF!

There are moments that I feel like going away, somewhere where people don't know me. Start a new life or something. Hijrah. It is been said that if things did not turn up as you planned, it is better for you to start anew somewhere else. I don't know. Sometimes we feel that the grass is greener on the other side of the field but what we don't know is that it could only be synthetic grass that we see. But on the other hand, if we don't try to go to the other side of the field, we will never know that it is synthetic. Get what I mean?

Seriously, what I am going through right now somehow demotivates me in every single way. Have you ever felt so hopeless when everything that you plan does not fall into places? I worked so hard to get to where I am now, but still, hopeless, helpless. Perhaps rezeki tu belum ada kot.

God, I know You are testing me and I am greatful and thankful to You. This is the only way I know that You are watching me and You want me to be more faithful to You. InsyaAllah I will never forget to be ever faithful to You God as You never forget me as Your ever faithful servant. Amiin Ya Robbal 'Alamiin....